Me and Jesus have been having some heavy duty talks lately. Mostly me letting Him know how I feel about all the changes in my body and what I have to do to keep them under control. I am voicing my feelings and opinion. We had a really long talk in the shower this past Sunday morning. I was almost late to church.
I do most of the talking/complaining/yelling/crying and such. But I do listen to God in the background. That's where I put Him. But you know He speaks in that still small voice. I truly believe it is ok to get upset and voice my feelings to Him. After all, He already knows my heart. Why should I try to hide them from the One who knows all?
What was so bad Sunday? Well, it began a long time ago. I was raised to wear only dresses to church. I know not everyone feels that way. That's ok. But that is how I was raised. Personally, I do not feel it is wrong for a woman to wear slacks to church. Modesty is the key in anything. I do wear pants to activities. I want to wear pants in the winter when it's freezing cold outside. Especially on Wednesday's so I don't have to change clothes. But I don't wear pants to church. I also don't wear pants to services because I do not ever want to offend anyone, male or female, in our church. There are some who wear pants to services. That is fine. They are always modest. BUT, for me it is a big deal for me to wear pants. In my heart I know it is not a sin or wrong in any way.
But I have had such struggles emotionally this past month. Fits of anger. Fits of crying. Depression. And then to go to church and pretend it is all ok. I am not good at pretending, so I don't try very hard. Folks read right through me. Being at church makes me happy and things are 400% better when I go and visit with everyone. And sometimes my husband preaches right to me! He knows what I have been struggling with too. I also would never do anything to offend on purpose.
I tried wearing a skirt the first night with my new leggings. It kept getting caught up on the fabric. A slip might help, but it has lace and that gets caught up on the fabric as well. I am NOT making excuses. Because I am not worried about strangers opinions of what I wear as long as I am modest and respectful. Strangers do not know me or my struggles. Though I would not offend them on purpose, it is not their business.
Sunday, back on track, I fought with tears and emotions once again. Jesus and me had a long, emotional talk while I took a long hot shower. Showers calm me. I cried to my Lord. I prayed for wisdom and peace. I cried some more. I prayed some more. The water turned cool. I got out, dried, and as I dressed, I thanked the Lord for the peace He gave me.
I put on a pair of brand new dress slacks, top, and my clunky tennis shoes. I prayed as I drove the whole half mile to church. I asked the Lord to please give our members grace and mercy as well.
This is Wednesday, I am putting on a pair of dress pants and going to church. Hope to see you there.