Thursday, May 31, 2012

I am slowly getting used to what is going on with my body now.  God and I have been having a lot of discussions on this.  Mostly me ranting.  But He is patient and listening.  Then He speaks.  I listen and sometimes I don't want hear. But, deep down I do.

I don't like this body of mine for sure.  But it is the only one I have.  I am trying to take care of it.  The emotions lately have been out of sight and through the roof.  God made me an emotional being, so maybe it is okay to express my emotions.  I have been careful not to aim them at anyone, even God.

When I hammered my finger, accidentally, it was because of my anger.  I shut my family out because of my anger. I lost sleep because of my anger. I ate in excess because of my anger. Then in my depression I refused to eat.  I lost sleep in my depressed state. I again shut out my family in my depression.  I couldn't find a song to sing because of my extreme emotional state.

Did I say that God and I have had long talks?  Even in the shower.  In fact, I talk to Him a lot in the shower.  The water is cleansing and so is the talk.  There is no pretense in the shower.  It is literally Just as I am!  He tells me He loves me and I shake my head.  "Why?  Why would You love me? I am nothing. I can't even control my own body.  How can You love me when I don't love me?"  I still don't understand why He continues to love me.  I am not anyone special.  I am just me.  But, I know He DOES love me.  He created me and made me what I am and who I am.  I have to just accept that and take it as it is.  He has to take me just as I am.

I did find a song to sing this week.  "God Wants to Hear You Sing"  I started out Sunday morning in church to sing, with my cream colored, ragged compression tubing on my legs and my black sneakers in my dress.  I stood there and talked of Paul and Silas in prison singing to prove to the world that they would trust God no matter what came along.  I messed up. I lost my timing and had to start over on the song.  Go figure.  I made it through.  Even if not everyone in the congregation understood the full meaning of what the song meant to me, I did.  So did God, and my husband.

I still am having emotional ups and downs.  More ups now than downs.  This is a good thing.  This is a God thing.  In my heart, I am singing because I want the world to know that no matter what, I trust God.  Even when my face doesn't show it.

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