Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Today I am really hating my body. I hate the fact that it's incurable. I have to live with everything the way it is the rest of my life. It might get better to a degree, but only after spending hundreds of dollars, long hours of exercise and therapy. Daily this and daily that.  Even 3x times daily. It will never go away. If I don't do the daily routine of drainage, exercise and 24/7 compression from the waist down, including shoes, then it will get worse.

Mike thinks I need to get over the depression from it.  Maybe I will, but not right now.  We are even finished finding all that it entails.  There is more tomorrow. Being fitted for the body armor from the knees to toes. Then having to find shoes to fit over it that cover the feet completely. Then finding someone that carries compression clothing like capris in my size! 

Buying expensive garments that have to be replaced annually or at least semi-annually.  Doesn't that sound fun.  The good news is I am not dying of cancer or loosing a limb.  But I feel like I am in a physical prison.

Everyone is telling me to loose weight.  But they don't tell me how.  Yes, I know. Diet and exercise.  But that won't do it. I've tried. Several times. All that does is make me gain more weight.  Exercise is almost impossible.  The water is fine for balance and flexability.  But it does nothing for strength or weight lose. I can't go outside. I can't run. I can't walk more than a few minutes. How in the world am I supposed to lose weight?

Like I said at the beginning, I hate my body.  I feel like it is betraying me.  Turning on me in fact.  The only time it will be whole is in Heaven. I wish the Lord would come soon. He wants me to praise Him during this mess. I don't think I can right now.  I really don't and that makes me really sad.  I feel defeated.

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