Low fevers, body aches and pains are a normal part of my life.  So, I have learned to ignore most of them.  My OT is a time of relaxation for me.  Boredom for Mike.  It takes about an hour and a half for the therapist to do the clearing and massage.  Everyone is noticing the difference.  I guess I am sceptical.  I do see the difference, but am wondering how long it will last.  She said it is a forever condition.  I am just hoping the compression garments are not forever.

I have lost 25" overall in both lower legs.  I have lost a few pounds as well. Not as many as I had hoped.  But maybe that is to come yet.  I am becoming "softer".  That means the protein is softening to break up and flow properly.  That is very good.

I keep hearing from people how they are inspired by me.  I also hear from several that keep up with me on Facebook and this blog.  This really boggles my mind.  I don't think I am anything special.  Others have pain and move on with life.  I am not the only one.  I don't mind being an inspiration I guess.  I mean, if God can use  me to help someone else, then that is a good thing.  A God thing.

I look to Job.  I think about his losses.  His boils.  I can't imagine having boils from head to toe.  One boil is enough pain for any one person!  It can't be "popped" like a zit or it will spread.  But, Job had boils covering his body.  No wonder he sat naked in the hot ashes!  The warmth most likely helped "ooze" the nasty stuff out of the boils and ease the pain.  And maybe help hid the odor of infection.

Then I am reminded of the sufferings of Christ.  His were "short lived" in that He died!  But He also rose again.  But to be beaten, humiliated and put to death.  Personally, I am NOT ready to die.  I am not afraid to die because I know I'll be in Heaven.  No more aches and pains.  No more fatigue and exhaustion!  But, I'm not ready to curl up and die.  I don't think God is finished with me yet.

I have also learned we cannot compare sufferings.  "I hurt less than Jane Doe."  Or "I have more issues than that person, but you don't see me whining!"  God gives us each just what we can deal with.  But we can never do it alone.  We need His help and peace.  Sometimes I think God must think I can handle a lot!  Because, sometimes I feel sorry for myself and think I have too much wrong with my body.  Usually those are days I am most tired and achy.  Usually a dose of meds will cure that issue.  And I am so very thankful for the doctors God has put in my way.

On a different note, I finally finished and am satisfied with the Lupus Awareness Butterfly pendant I have made.  How about I show it to you?  Tell me what you think.  Also, please, feel free to comment or ask questions.  If I can help, that is why God is allowing me to go through this.  In my humble opinion that is.

Have a blessed day!

I have enjoyed having my oldest granddaughter, Jessi, over yesterday and today.  We have done everything we could for fun, movies together, lots of food, soda, more food, more movies, and lots of laughs.  We have done a few projects too.

I took my new leggings off too early yesterday and put them on too late today. So, now my legs have started to swell again.  It is just going to take more time to get used to them. And to allow time to put them on.

I want to make sure my readers understand, when I argue with God, it is not in disrespect.  Nor am I alone in doing so.  Great men of the Bible also argued with God.  Some even "changed" God's mind when He was angry with Israel. I do not feel guilty in my conversations with God.  I have peace and release after our discussions.  Some of my decisions have been very difficult of late. His still small voice of direction have been comforting.

My husband and daughter have both been gone to church camp this week.  I have enjoyed the quiet house and the opportunity to get this accomplished.  However, one project, finished last night, has had a catastrophe this morning.  But there is nothing I can do now except wait for Mike to come home and help.

Well, now it's time to get off the pc and get to work.  I have about 4 1/2 hours left to finish everything before they get home.  Plus enough time to pick up Mom to bring her here for SNO.

Me and Jesus have been having some heavy duty talks lately.  Mostly me letting Him know how I feel about all the changes in my body and what I have to do to keep them under control.  I am voicing my feelings and opinion.   We had a really long talk in the shower this past Sunday morning.  I was almost late to church.

I do most of the talking/complaining/yelling/crying and such.  But I do listen to God in the background. That's where I put Him.  But you know He speaks in that still small voice.  I truly believe it is ok to get upset and voice my feelings to Him.  After all, He already knows my heart.  Why should I try to hide them from the One who knows all?

What was so bad Sunday?  Well, it began a long time ago.  I was raised to wear only dresses to church.  I know not everyone feels that way.  That's ok.  But that is how I was raised.  Personally, I do not feel it is wrong for a woman to wear slacks to church.  Modesty is the key in anything.  I do wear pants to activities.  I want to wear pants in the winter when it's freezing cold outside.  Especially on Wednesday's so I don't have to change clothes.  But I don't wear pants to church.  I also don't wear pants to services because I do not ever want to offend anyone, male or female, in our church.  There are some who wear pants to services.  That is fine.  They are always modest.  BUT, for me it is a big deal for me to wear pants.  In my heart I know it is not a sin or wrong in any way.

But I have had such struggles emotionally this past month.  Fits of anger.  Fits of crying.  Depression.  And then to go to church and pretend it is all ok.  I am not good at pretending, so I don't try very hard.  Folks read right through me.  Being at church makes me happy and things are 400% better when I go and visit with everyone.  And sometimes my husband preaches right to me!  He knows what I have been struggling with too. I also would never do anything to offend on purpose.

I tried wearing a skirt the first night with my new leggings.  It kept getting caught up on the fabric.  A slip might help, but it has lace and that gets caught up on the fabric as well.  I am NOT making excuses.  Because I am not worried about strangers opinions of what I wear as long as I am modest and respectful.  Strangers do not know me or my struggles.   Though I would not offend them on purpose, it is not their business.

Sunday, back on track, I fought with tears and emotions once again.  Jesus and me had a long, emotional talk while I took a long hot shower. Showers calm me. I cried to my Lord.  I prayed for wisdom and peace.  I cried some more.  I prayed some more.  The water turned cool. I got out, dried, and as I dressed, I thanked the Lord for the peace He gave me.

I put on a pair of brand new dress slacks, top, and my clunky tennis shoes.  I prayed as I drove the whole half mile to church.  I asked the Lord to please give our members grace and mercy as well.

This is Wednesday, I am putting on a pair of dress pants and going to church.  Hope to see you there.

I am slowly getting used to what is going on with my body now.  God and I have been having a lot of discussions on this.  Mostly me ranting.  But He is patient and listening.  Then He speaks.  I listen and sometimes I don't want hear. But, deep down I do.

I don't like this body of mine for sure.  But it is the only one I have.  I am trying to take care of it.  The emotions lately have been out of sight and through the roof.  God made me an emotional being, so maybe it is okay to express my emotions.  I have been careful not to aim them at anyone, even God.

When I hammered my finger, accidentally, it was because of my anger.  I shut my family out because of my anger. I lost sleep because of my anger. I ate in excess because of my anger. Then in my depression I refused to eat.  I lost sleep in my depressed state. I again shut out my family in my depression.  I couldn't find a song to sing because of my extreme emotional state.

Did I say that God and I have had long talks?  Even in the shower.  In fact, I talk to Him a lot in the shower.  The water is cleansing and so is the talk.  There is no pretense in the shower.  It is literally Just as I am!  He tells me He loves me and I shake my head.  "Why?  Why would You love me? I am nothing. I can't even control my own body.  How can You love me when I don't love me?"  I still don't understand why He continues to love me.  I am not anyone special.  I am just me.  But, I know He DOES love me.  He created me and made me what I am and who I am.  I have to just accept that and take it as it is.  He has to take me just as I am.

I did find a song to sing this week.  "God Wants to Hear You Sing"  I started out Sunday morning in church to sing, with my cream colored, ragged compression tubing on my legs and my black sneakers in my dress.  I stood there and talked of Paul and Silas in prison singing to prove to the world that they would trust God no matter what came along.  I messed up. I lost my timing and had to start over on the song.  Go figure.  I made it through.  Even if not everyone in the congregation understood the full meaning of what the song meant to me, I did.  So did God, and my husband.

I still am having emotional ups and downs.  More ups now than downs.  This is a good thing.  This is a God thing.  In my heart, I am singing because I want the world to know that no matter what, I trust God.  Even when my face doesn't show it.

I'm a bit achy tonight. Well, a more than a bit.  Mostly from the daily swelling. My fingers are really stiff, especially on my right hand.  The fingernail on my left index finger (the one I banged with the chasing hammer) is probably going to come off.

This has been a difficult week.  I've been emotional about my legs and weight.  I was going to try to diet....again. But the 2nd day I called it quits.  Mostly because I was angry with my household. They were sneaking donuts I had bought for my grandsons. My DH and DD were supposed to be dieting with me. I decided if they weren't going to try or care, then neither would I.

I know, don't give up. I will try, but I am not going to deprive myself either.

Today, my daughter and I had a clash of who is in the shower first.  I let her, but I think next week it will have to be me.  We both ended up being late.  It is just a timing issue that needs worked out.  But because we were running late, I didn't wear the leg tubing or my tennis shoes.  Not a good thing.  At least I was reminded of why I am going to have therapy and wear "body armor" on my legs. I sure hope and pray this works.  That it is worth it all.  I am still not convinced.

I begin therapy on Tuesday this week.  I have 8 sessions. Plus we will order the leggings. Oh how I  hope this works.  It is supposed to retrain my lymphatic system to work again and properly.  Lymphedema has no cure, but is treatable.  I have seen photos and people whose legs are ginormous!  I don't want that for me.  That is probably why this week has been so hard.  I don't want saggy baggy elephant legs, but the "body armor" looks like torture.  I don't know which is worse!  I keep asking God to help me with my attitude.  Not sure how He's gonna answer that one. Do you?

I will likely have to buy new pants and shoes.  Again.  If I had a sewing machine, I may just make my own pants.  I used to sew very well. I could get the color and fabric I want that way.

On a different note, the Bluebird Pendant is finished. Now to photo it and post it on the web.  Here is a picture.  Not a great one, but you can see it okay.